The Hiatus and the Resolution

As it is Monday, and the last day of 2012, I thought an update was in order.

I would like to explain the December hiatus for anyone who may have been curious. I decided to take December to recoup and work on making my home livable, so it was planned, but unannounced. I didn't expect anyone to be put out by my disappearance. If anyone was checking for updates, I apologize to them for my silence on the matter. I shall endeavour to give warning the next time I plan a hiatus, but as you will soon read, that shouldn't be for a while.

It's been a fantastic time of year, to my very great surprise. Christmas was quiet, work has been busy, and in the time between, there was much productivity. I have my bedroom in order for the first time in my life. I have shelves full of books which I can see from my bed. I can't explain how at peace that makes me feel, and now that my bedroom is organized, the rest of the house will follow!

As for New Years, a late colleague of mine spoke against New Years resolutions. He said that if you know there's something wrong in your life you shouldn't wait for a specific time of year to set it right, and I am inclined to agree with him, but I don't feel this negates the tradition of a New Years resolution.

New Years Eve gives us an opportunity to think about the past year. It's a marker, a milestone, a way post if you like. It gives us a reason to look back and discover things which we haven't accomplished, the places we've fallen, and the things we've let slide because this or that has gotten in the way. I agree that we ought to begin correcting things in our lives as soon as we notice something wrong with them, and New Years lends us an opportunity to pause and notice those things when we otherwise might not. So....

Be it here recorded that I resolve the following:

     1. That I shall continue my healthy exercise and weight loss until I reach my goal of a comfortable figure.

     2. That I shall, by January's end, have made my house a tidy, comfortable home, and keep it that way.

     3. That I shall improve my skills in my chosen field by a noticeable degree every month.

     4. That I shall update my blog at least weekly, on Monday mornings.

     5. That I shall, by year end 2013, be able to offer my services professionally.

Some of this may seem fairly trivial, and some very weighty, but I believe these five things will pose an acceptable challenge for me. I fear I may fail, but I also hope to succeed.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

The Break.

My wife moved out over the weekend. She’s not my wife anymore, but I don’t know what to call her. It doesn’t feel right calling her an ex yet, and I’m very much hoping that we will be able to be friends, eventually. Call me an optimist.

We’ve divided up most of the properties, and I think it’s worked out favourably for both of us. I just wish it hadn’t taken quite so long as it did. These last few months have been slow torture, and it’s hurt the memory of what we once had. That’s what’s upset me most. I knew that she would hate me for a while, and because I was too wounded to let it show, she was scared that I felt nothing at all about us ending things.

I’m aware that her parents hate me. That bothers me only because I know they can be smarter than that. I know that my mother is ashamed of what I’ve done. She simply doesn’t understand my motivations. It’s a little harder to hear my friends, some of them, say that this is harder on her than it is on me, since I have the house and get to move on with my life, and she has nothing. What they don’t understand is that she too, gets to move on with her life. The house, which I hope to keep, is a serious financial burden, and until I get my business going, it means I’m stuck in a job which I continue to detest.

She, at least, gets a clean break. I could almost envy her.

These last few months have been hard for another reason. I’ve been stuck in my basement, and not by myself. My “pet” and I have been sharing the space, which has endangered the health, sanity, and strength of our relationship. We’ll survive, but it has been hard. So it will be a mixed blessing to reclaim my bedroom. I will miss my wife dearly, but she’s not the woman I thought she was any more than I am the man she thought I was. We each deceived ourselves, and have no one to blame but ourselves.

The world may think, and she may believe that I hurt her, but she hurt herself, as I, in turn, hurt myself. I don’t blame her for my mistakes.

Moving forward.

My business plans have been stalled through this ordeal, which was partially a conscious decision on my part, and partially an unconscious slip into procrastination. I don’t even have a buffer left for my blog.

No matter, once I get myself settled in, I will have no excuse not to get down to business. I have several things which I need to practice, and several which I need to research. I want to do this properly, and that may mean finding myself someone under whom to apprentice for a while. I’m a decent amateur, but if I intend to do this professionally, I’m not yet good enough.

Ladies, you heard it here. A man is admitting that he is not good enough, and needs improvement. Perhaps some others will take my lead. Perhaps some of you will do the same.

At any rate, I do need practice. I need proper education. The problem is that such things don’t exist. Perhaps one day I will teach a class, but that’s far down the road. First I need to learn.
If anyone knows of an individual who may be open to teaching, I would be very grateful if they would drop me a line at: blog.nextstep@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading,

-Step.