End of the Month Update: January

So it’s the last Monday of the month, and I’ve decided that this will mean an update with my progress on my New Years Resolutions.

First on the subject of my weight and fitness, I started off well, having joined Fitocracy (more on this later), and had been on the right track until my knee suddenly swelled up to twice its size. I honestly have no idea what I did, but after several days of caring for it (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation), and careful use of anti inflammatories, I’m ready to continue my workouts. I’d also started counting my calories a few months back, which seemed to be working well when I was doing it. I took the month of December off, and that turned into January as well, but I intend to return to this method as of February first. As of this date, I’m 305 lbs, down from 328 when I started, and I’m going to keep a monthly log.

Second, my house is in order, at least for the most part. I’m actually happy with most of it. I have a bedroom office which is almost usable, for lack of a chair. My kitchen, dining room, and living room are serviceably comfortable. My basement has finally become a place to entertain. The only thing marring my home now is a stack of boxes in one corner of the basement, and I fully intend to have those taken care of before February first.

Third, as to my skills, I realize that this is a difficult one to track, but I’m happy to say that at least one very important skill has had a lot of work. My confidence in my abilities has grown, and I’ll be putting some of them to the test tonight to gauge what else needs to be worked on next.

Fourth, my blog has been updated weekly, on Mondays, and I’m working on a buffer so that I can have a post ready to go on Sunday evening, but that might take a bit of time.

Fifth, my business. I know this is tied in closely with my third resolution, and also won’t be resolved until the end of the year, but I have made progress. Next month I may have something more to say about this one.

Now, a nod to the first post of the month. I realize that I didn’t comment after the fact, but I did manage to get everything accomplished. The desk is moved and now serves as an entertainment centre in the basement. The room is tidy, and I’ve been blogging regularly.

All in all, things are looking good, and I’m feeling good about them. I hope that you all have had as much success with your resolutions, but even if you’re off to a rocky start, please don’t give up! Self improvement is possible, it just takes hard work!

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

Christianity and Judgement

Too many Christians do the thing which Christians are forbidden from doing. Too many of us judge others. In the world we live in, sometimes judging others is unavoidable. Some of us (those in authority) have a responsibility to judge, and judge fairly, the actions of those under their influence. Parents and teachers judge the actions of children. Employers judge the actions of their workers, and Judges must judge the actions of defendants in trials, but the key here is that all of these people are judging the actions, not the person. As soon as you start judging a person, you lose your firm footing. We don’t know what goes on in a person’s head, and we can’t know everything which led to an action, so all we can judge is the action itself. Some loud Christians seem to have forgotten Matthew 7:1.

There seems to be no end of small minded Christians telling the world that it should be ashamed of itself.

I agree with them, but we ought to start with ourselves. Matthew 7:4-5 tells you that you shouldn’t be worrying about others until you have your own shit straight, and if that isn’t a good enough reason, then Matthew 7:6 goes on to the flip side of why you shouldn’t waste your time preaching to people who don’t want to hear it!

We Christians have a duty to be the light of the world. That doesn't mean we should go around setting dry  brush ablaze. We have a duty to be the salt of the earth, which is quite the opposite of salting the earth, something which loud Christians don’t seem to get. We are meant to preserve, to repair, to help. All that judging others gets you is fear, anger, and resentment. It’s not only counter productive, it’s stupid!

Love your brothers, no matter what! Love him even if he sins. Feel his pain as if it were your own. That’s the way to start guiding people, not by yelling at them about what you think they’ve done wrong today. Oh, and don’t bother trying to convince me that you love someone if you’re holding up a sign that says “God Hates...”


 God doesn't hate, God loves. Period.

Trying to love (in this case, feel compassion toward) everyone is a good thing to do, regardless of your personal religion or lack thereof. People who try to see the good in others are generally happier than people who focus on the bad. I like to say that it’s better to assume ignorance than malice. An earnest desire to think the best you can about everyone around you and their intentions will keep you from being bitter, and will probably improve your interactions with other people.

Of course if you find that the nicest thing you can think about a particular person is that they’re rather a fool, or unaware of the world around them, then you may want to have a conversation with them. Far from passing judgement or spouting vitriol, however, a conversation with someone for whom you care, about how they can better themselves is a loving endeavour.

I guess that’s the key. We aren’t going to change the world by shouting at it and holding up signs. We’re going to change the world by having quiet conversations with people who will listen. I hope someone out there is listening.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

Wants vs. Needs

It is not uncommon to hear the words “I need”. Many times I’ve been in the middle of a conversation, making a plan, or listing things I’d like to do, and someone comes out with some variation of the phrase “We want much, but we need very little.” The fact that people continually make this statement is, I feel, a problem. One which has plagued the English language for far too long. My reply to them at this point is usually something along the lines of “If you want me to cook you this omelette, then I’m going to need a damn frying pan.”

A want is a goal, a desire, or an objective to be reached, whereas a need is something which is required to complete a task, or reach an objective. I want to eat an omelette, so I need eggs. I want to have a new phone, so I need the money to buy it. I want to keep on living, so I need food, water, and oxygen. If I want to live comfortably, then I also need shelter from the elements, and maybe the occasional conversation with a close friend.

The whole idea of limiting the word need to our basic necessities of life is not an issue of grammar, but of poetry. Someone could say in a song “I need you like I need to breathe”, and they are making a poetic simile in which the beloved takes on the characteristics of a basic necessity. From there someone may say “I don’t just want you, I need you!”. This is the essence of the problem. Any time you add just or only to a sentence, you’re devaluing something, usually in comparison to something else. Think of the phrase “He’s only a lad”, or “It’s just a scratch”.

Wants have become devalued for the sake of needs, and it’s a misuse of the language. Wants supersede needs, not the other way around. In order to need something, you have to have a goal and requirements to be met along the way. Don’t let yourself think that necessities of life are any different. Life, in this case, is a want. You have to want to live in order to need food, water, and air. It is true that your body will go on wanting these things, even when your mind doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t decide to go without. People who want death can, and sometimes do, commit suicide, God rest their souls. Life is the absolute want. Without wanting that, you can’t need anything.

Let me put this another way. People have been trained to think that want and need are different degrees of the same thing. They have been taught that a need is primal, and a want is a luxury. I’m letting you know that these two words mean completely different things. A want is the prime thing, the goal, the big shiny treasure at the end. A need is only something which is required to reach the treasure, like finding the hidden switch, the key to the vault, or the magical mcguffin.

I want an omelette, so I need eggs.
I want a heart container, so I need to collect the pieces.
If I want to succeed at this whole blog thing, then I need to update regularly.

So far, so good.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

The Chaos I live in.

I'm beginning to take into account how my atmosphere affects my state of mind. I hadn't intended to write another personal life update right on the heels of the last, but here it is. The truth is, I've been procrastinating just as badly as ever this past week. There were plenty of other things I needed to do first, but I also spent lots of time on things which didn't need to be done.

When, at long last, I sat down to write, I found myself blocked, were as if I just went to do other things, my mind would form the ideas freely. I think that the chaos around my desk is causing me problems, and this will be fixed post haste, but in the mean time, my dear readers must survive with a quick, personal update. I decided that this was a preferable embarrassment to not having anything up on time, and ruining one resolution before I could even get going.

I am therefor listing the things which I must accomplish before next Monday, in hopes to motivate myself.

1. Write a blog post.
2. Edit that post to a publishable quality.
3. Move my desk to a new location.
4. Make certain that the desk itself and the room around it are tidy. (This will probably happen first)

Once these four things are complete, I will hopefully be in a much better state to carry on.

For anyone who is interested in writing, I should mention that this is the only entry which has not undergone any editing. I’m putting this up raw.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

The Hiatus and the Resolution

As it is Monday, and the last day of 2012, I thought an update was in order.

I would like to explain the December hiatus for anyone who may have been curious. I decided to take December to recoup and work on making my home livable, so it was planned, but unannounced. I didn't expect anyone to be put out by my disappearance. If anyone was checking for updates, I apologize to them for my silence on the matter. I shall endeavour to give warning the next time I plan a hiatus, but as you will soon read, that shouldn't be for a while.

It's been a fantastic time of year, to my very great surprise. Christmas was quiet, work has been busy, and in the time between, there was much productivity. I have my bedroom in order for the first time in my life. I have shelves full of books which I can see from my bed. I can't explain how at peace that makes me feel, and now that my bedroom is organized, the rest of the house will follow!

As for New Years, a late colleague of mine spoke against New Years resolutions. He said that if you know there's something wrong in your life you shouldn't wait for a specific time of year to set it right, and I am inclined to agree with him, but I don't feel this negates the tradition of a New Years resolution.

New Years Eve gives us an opportunity to think about the past year. It's a marker, a milestone, a way post if you like. It gives us a reason to look back and discover things which we haven't accomplished, the places we've fallen, and the things we've let slide because this or that has gotten in the way. I agree that we ought to begin correcting things in our lives as soon as we notice something wrong with them, and New Years lends us an opportunity to pause and notice those things when we otherwise might not. So....

Be it here recorded that I resolve the following:

     1. That I shall continue my healthy exercise and weight loss until I reach my goal of a comfortable figure.

     2. That I shall, by January's end, have made my house a tidy, comfortable home, and keep it that way.

     3. That I shall improve my skills in my chosen field by a noticeable degree every month.

     4. That I shall update my blog at least weekly, on Monday mornings.

     5. That I shall, by year end 2013, be able to offer my services professionally.

Some of this may seem fairly trivial, and some very weighty, but I believe these five things will pose an acceptable challenge for me. I fear I may fail, but I also hope to succeed.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

The Break.

My wife moved out over the weekend. She’s not my wife anymore, but I don’t know what to call her. It doesn’t feel right calling her an ex yet, and I’m very much hoping that we will be able to be friends, eventually. Call me an optimist.

We’ve divided up most of the properties, and I think it’s worked out favourably for both of us. I just wish it hadn’t taken quite so long as it did. These last few months have been slow torture, and it’s hurt the memory of what we once had. That’s what’s upset me most. I knew that she would hate me for a while, and because I was too wounded to let it show, she was scared that I felt nothing at all about us ending things.

I’m aware that her parents hate me. That bothers me only because I know they can be smarter than that. I know that my mother is ashamed of what I’ve done. She simply doesn’t understand my motivations. It’s a little harder to hear my friends, some of them, say that this is harder on her than it is on me, since I have the house and get to move on with my life, and she has nothing. What they don’t understand is that she too, gets to move on with her life. The house, which I hope to keep, is a serious financial burden, and until I get my business going, it means I’m stuck in a job which I continue to detest.

She, at least, gets a clean break. I could almost envy her.

These last few months have been hard for another reason. I’ve been stuck in my basement, and not by myself. My “pet” and I have been sharing the space, which has endangered the health, sanity, and strength of our relationship. We’ll survive, but it has been hard. So it will be a mixed blessing to reclaim my bedroom. I will miss my wife dearly, but she’s not the woman I thought she was any more than I am the man she thought I was. We each deceived ourselves, and have no one to blame but ourselves.

The world may think, and she may believe that I hurt her, but she hurt herself, as I, in turn, hurt myself. I don’t blame her for my mistakes.

Moving forward.

My business plans have been stalled through this ordeal, which was partially a conscious decision on my part, and partially an unconscious slip into procrastination. I don’t even have a buffer left for my blog.

No matter, once I get myself settled in, I will have no excuse not to get down to business. I have several things which I need to practice, and several which I need to research. I want to do this properly, and that may mean finding myself someone under whom to apprentice for a while. I’m a decent amateur, but if I intend to do this professionally, I’m not yet good enough.

Ladies, you heard it here. A man is admitting that he is not good enough, and needs improvement. Perhaps some others will take my lead. Perhaps some of you will do the same.

At any rate, I do need practice. I need proper education. The problem is that such things don’t exist. Perhaps one day I will teach a class, but that’s far down the road. First I need to learn.
If anyone knows of an individual who may be open to teaching, I would be very grateful if they would drop me a line at: blog.nextstep@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

I am a Dom.

For anyone who didn’t like my last post, you probably won’t like this one either. Be warned.

I am a sexual dominant. The male equivalent of a dominatrix. Dominator would be the correct term, except that that makes me sound like a comic book villain. It is my intention to do this professionally, and I am working toward that end as we speak. There is nothing illegal, unethical, nor, in my opinion, immoral about the practice (at least in Canada as of this date), and I intend to help keep it that way through open discussion on public media such as this blog (How’s that for a political statement?).

Why do it professionally? Why not just keep it private? I don’t just do what I do for my own kicks. I like to help people. As I said in my last post, kink isn’t necessarily about sex. Some people need to give up control, even if only temporarily, and they need a safe way to do it. I’m good at accepting that control in order to give people what they need, but not necessarily what they want. I can be a tyrant, and I am empathetic enough to know when I’m reaching a limit before I get there. I care, and I know what it’s like to have needs which you are afraid to admit to anyone, even to yourself.

For years I thought I was a bad person because of some of the things I thought about. I’ve had fantasies about all manner of things which I thought were evil. Years later, I am still dealing with the havoc which considering myself an evil person has wrought on my psyche, but I made important discoveries and distinctions about fantasy, reality, and consent (more on this later). My second wife was the first person to suggest that it might be okay for me to be myself, and to express myself. Now, on the eve of our parting, I am finally doing just that.

Thank you sweetie. I’m sorry it won’t work out for us, but I’m grateful for the lessons you’ve taught me.

Being a Dom is more about the other person than it is about you. Are you ready for a big secret? A Dom has to submit. A Dom has to give over their own desires and see to the needs of their sub, and if the sub has had enough, the Dom stops. A good Dom does, anyway.

The key to a Dom/sub relationship is trust. The sub has to trust the Dom, the Dom has to trust the sub, and they must trust themselves. If the Dom has no faith in his own abilities, nor confidence that he can give the sub what they need, then the partnership will be unstable, and the safety of both is at risk. "A wise man does not build his house on sand, but on a rock." The Dom must serve as that rock in order to be worthy of accepting the gift of submission.

This isn’t the last I’ll be writing on this subject, just a brief intro.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.