I am Polyamorous.

For those of you who don’t know, Polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic or sexual relationship at a time. Open relationships are polyamorous. Joined Marriages are polyamorous. Cheating on your spouse is NOT polyamorous.

When most people think of a romantic entanglement, they think of a couple. They think of monogamy. They usually think that anything other than that is cheating, that anything other than that is wrong. There may be some religious arguments in favour of monogamy, there may even be a cultural argument. There is certainly a cultural bias.

I believe that rather than forcing everyone to fit into a single mould, we should let each person decide his or her own desires, and express them openly, honestly, and directly to the world around them. This doesn’t mean screaming your point of view for all to hear, it just means not beating around the bush about what you want from life so that other people don’t have the opportunity to build up false expectations about who and what you are.

On a first date, or a second, or even a third, is the right time to mention the fact that you are polyamorous. A year into a relationship during which you have been seeing other people behind your partner’s back is not.

Most people probably think that polyamory leads to higher risk of disease, pregnancy, rape, etc, etc. This is because most people believe polyamory means sleeping with whoever you want, as much as you want, but this isn’t the case. Bisexuals have been painted with the same brush, just as unfairly.

I have had a series of long term relationships. With one exception(which I admit was a big mistake), every person I’ve ever slept with meant the world to me. I’m still good friends with the majority of them. How many monogamous people can say that?

The key to a polyamorous relationship is Compersion. You can be poly without it, but for a truely healthy relationship, ANY relationship, you should try to cultivate it.

Compersion is the feeling of joy or contentment you get when someone you love if being made happy, whether it is by you or not. It is the opposite of Jealousy. The thought “I love her and I am happy that she is happy” is one of compersion. Now, this term was originally invented by the poly community, and is generally restricted to use in sexual situations, but I think that’s too narrow. I think compersion is found throughout life, just as any emotion. Let’s take a step back.

Say you’re a parent and your child is learning to ride a bicycle. You’re running along beside them, your hand on the back of the bike to keep it steady. Eventually, you let go and the child keeps going. They have learned to ride, and it is in part, thanks to you. What a wonderful feeling. Your child is growing up a little bit.

Now, let’s say that you’re not the one pushing the bike. Let’s say that you are sitting on your front porch watching as your husband or wife is running behind the bike. Is there any less of a feeling of satisfaction, joy, and contentment? If you said no, then you are at least casually aware of compersion. The same emotion can be felt when you help someone dress for a date, as you share in their excitement, or when a good friend aces a test to learn how to drive, or become a lawyer, or any number of small things. The same thing can be felt when you know that your lover is safely in the hands of their lover, and they are being loved. It’s difficult to understand until you’ve felt it, or if you let jealousy get in your way.

Jealousy is not only the enemy of compersion, but of any relationship whatsoever.

A jealous parent would be one who couldn’t stand watching their spouse and child having fun together without being a part of it. A lover can be jealous not only of other sexual partners, but that their partner might have their own friends at all. These scenarios are both frightening, and real. I’m not saying that anyone should be content to just sit back and watch others live, but having that vicarious sense of joy can enrich your life in ways which are impossible to describe until you’ve felt it.

I urge you, poly or not, to give compersion a try. Watch your wife sit and knit, or read, or do something which is of no interest to you, but gives her great joy. Watch your husband work on that rusty old truck, or practice his swing. For once, see the joy that your friend takes from that show which you hate, and be happy for them.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.