Me Mask

I’ve recently had a number of conversations on this topic and it occurs to me, for the first time, to put this down in writing.

I am one of the shyest people I know, this stemming from a childhood of ridicule and exclusion. In the small town in which I grew up, it felt like I was the whipping boy. Everyone my age seemed to be my enemy. I had very few friends and thought of myself as “that weird kid”. This probably isn’t an unfamiliar story to some of my readers.

Something which compounded the problem, however, was that as I grew older, I was told by parents, teachers, and peers that I was arrogant or a know it all. I feel that my early attempts to share information were seen as my trying to be better than others, something which I still deny.

At some point my social interactions pretty much split into two parts, which each equally affected my sense of self. My online interactions grew up around changing my form and becoming a different person to fit each different situation so that I wouldn’t have to feel odd or left out. I learned to role play and act, to throw myself into a different mentality, which is still something I love to do. My in-person interactions were focussed on being hurt as little as possible while still connecting to the world around me.

The culmination of both of these streams was the development of my Me Mask. I retreated farther and farther inside the shell which was Me. It has become a character which I play and is in every way exactly the same as the real me. It has flaws, and can even discuss its flaws, and I’m okay with that because if people don’t like him, then they are simply disliking the character I’m playing, not the person I am.

I still wear this mask every day. I’ve only dropped it for any length of time with two people since I put it on. One of those people hurt me a great deal, and I think part of me (the stupid part of me) is waiting for the other to do the same.

I’m not sure if there’s a point in discussing this concept, but I figured since one person recently reacted to my explanation of my Me Mask with “OMG, that’s so me! I’ve never met anyone else like that”, maybe there are more of us. Maybe everyone’s like us, and we don’t realize it. Maybe we’re all walking around in a world of fragile, terrified individuals, and the ones who are warm and happy and engaging are simply wearing better masks.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to step out from behind my mask and let my friends and family get a good look at me. For now, I’ll find consolation in the fact that the mask at least fits perfectly, and is for all intents and purposes, transparent.

Thanks for reading,

-Step.