I’ve recently had a number of conversations on this topic and it occurs to me, for the first time, to put this down in writing.
I
am one of the shyest people I know, this stemming from a childhood of
ridicule and exclusion. In the small town in which I grew up, it felt
like I was the whipping boy. Everyone my age seemed to be my enemy. I
had very few friends and thought of myself as “that weird kid”. This
probably isn’t an unfamiliar story to some of my readers.
Something
which compounded the problem, however, was that as I grew older, I was
told by parents, teachers, and peers that I was arrogant or a know it
all. I feel that my early attempts to share information were seen as my
trying to be better than others, something which I still deny.
At
some point my social interactions pretty much split into two parts,
which each equally affected my sense of self. My online interactions
grew up around changing my form and becoming a different person to fit
each different situation so that I wouldn’t have to feel odd or left
out. I learned to role play and act, to throw myself into a different
mentality, which is still something I love to do. My in-person
interactions were focussed on being hurt as little as possible while
still connecting to the world around me.
The
culmination of both of these streams was the development of my Me
Mask. I retreated farther and farther inside the shell which was Me.
It has become a character which I play and is in every way exactly the
same as the real me. It has flaws, and can even discuss its flaws, and
I’m okay with that because if people don’t like him, then they are
simply disliking the character I’m playing, not the person I am.
I
still wear this mask every day. I’ve only dropped it for any length of
time with two people since I put it on. One of those people hurt me a
great deal, and I think part of me (the stupid part of me) is waiting
for the other to do the same.
I’m
not sure if there’s a point in discussing this concept, but I figured
since one person recently reacted to my explanation of my Me Mask with
“OMG, that’s so me! I’ve never met anyone else like that”, maybe there
are more of us. Maybe everyone’s like us, and we don’t realize it. Maybe
we’re all walking around in a world of fragile, terrified individuals,
and the ones who are warm and happy and engaging are simply wearing
better masks.
Maybe
one day I’ll be able to step out from behind my mask and let my friends
and family get a good look at me. For now, I’ll find consolation in the
fact that the mask at least fits perfectly, and is for all intents and
purposes, transparent.
Thanks for reading,
-Step.
