End of Month Update: April

Well, it finally happened. I failed. For two weeks, I have failed to update on Monday. I guess that means I should stop trying and throw in the towel altogether, right?

Failure is a hard thing to deal with, but much harder is picking up and carrying on when you’ve become discouraged. Even something which may seem small to others may have great psychological effects if you let it, and the longer you put it off or avoid it, the worse your discouragement can become. I’ve waited two weeks, and I’m using my monthly update as a jumping off point to carry on.

I could (and will) give you the reasons I found it difficult to update, but if I’d really put my mind and heart into it, I’d have been able to, no matter the opposition. The failure was mine, no excuses.

Now, on to my successes!

I’ve still been slacking on Fitocracy, so if anyone out there wants to motivate me, feel free to give me a poke. I am doing well with my weight however. Even after two weekends of bad food, my weight is back down to 295, and I’m hoping to keep on top of that. The fact that I have been ill over the past week probably had something to do with my weight loss, but I’ll get into that later.

My house is reasonably clean, but in need of work. I’m having my Kitten put together and prioritize a list of home improvements. I have my own list of course, but most of what I want to do requires money which I don’t have at the moment.

Business is looking both more and less feasible. Everything I learn leads me to three more things I need to work toward, and I’m not moving nearly fast enough. I’ve got someone who’s willing to teach me about fire, and that’s exciting. I watched a demonstration with flash cotton which was absolutely stunning. The thing which I need to spend time on at the moment, however, is attitude. I’ve been far too soft on my Kitten, and she’s begun telling me so. I need to work her harder and I have a few ideas of how to accomplish this. Wish me (and her) luck ;)

So that’s my health, my blog, my home, and my business and skills all dealt with tidily. Now I’d like to add a little more information about what’s been going on over the past three weeks.

After my post about birthdays, I got extremely busy. I’ve been letting my responsibilities slide over the last couple of months, due to depression and anxiety. This all came to a head this month as I’ve got to file my taxes. My built up anxiety was still there, however, and it started to direct itself toward my blog. I couldn’t face the prospect of writing for an audience, and I choked. I know it probably seems silly to a non-writer (writers may have a bit more sympathy), but the idea of someone else reading something you’ve written can be a scarey thing on a good day, nevermind when you’re already anxious.

Anyway, I skipped a blog post, felt terrible, and went on with life. The next week was fantastic. On Tuesday I went to a friend’s place for dinner, and then to a Munch, and then to a strip club with a group of sex positive friends and got treated to lap dances all night. It was a great experience. After that, I had to pack and prepare for the convention which another friend had invited me to on the weekend.

UBCon is held at the University of Buffalo every year and Josie, the creator of Angelyque Trinkets, had a table in Artist’s Alley this year. She needed a second person on her table, so she asked me to help out. It was a fantastic experience and I’ll likely be doing it again sometime soon. I would like to think that I helped her sales (which were record breaking!) with my friendly and competent demeanor, and I’ve been told since that I make good eye candy, which I suppose means I’m going to have to believe people who tell me I’m attractive, despite my own opinions on the matter.

Upon returning home of course, I was afflicted with Con Crud, and had to spend some time recuperating in bed. I used that as an excuse to further put off updating my blog, and the guilt started to return. This, added to the fact that the boss was away at my day job and I was primarily in charge, and my Kitten was out of town on her own adventures, all added up to make me a tightly coiled ball of stress. I managed to level out near the end of the week, however, and was quite affable by the time my dad came to stay this past weekend.

I don’t get to see my Dad very often, and neither of us are much for the telephone, so having him come and stay was a rare treat. We went for a long walk, spent some time in the garden, got creative in the kitchen, and shared a few pints.

Three fantastic experiences. The Tuesday outing, the convention, and my father coming to visit. Even with the stress and the sick in the middle I’m feeling much better and, what’s more, rested.

I’ve been looking back over the blog, and recognize something I’ve been avoiding for some time. I started this thing to spark conversation, to voice the unpopular opinion, and, in my own small way, to change the world. I’m not going to accomplish that if I keep shying away from the posts I want to write for fear of what people may think. It’s inexcusable that I’ve gone this long without speaking on the topics of Feminism, Pornography, Marriage, Mass Media, Global American Influence, Internet Stupidity, Intellectual Property, and the like. I’ve got strong opinions, and I’m going to have to start voicing them if I want this to go anywhere. Look forward to it!  ;)

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

Spinning Our Wheels

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, we just don’t have the power to gain traction and dig ourselves out of a rut. As the owner of a small car in Ontario, who can’t really afford snow tires, I know this all too well. When I’m spinning my wheels (thereby making things worse), it can really be disheartening to see the lack of progress. Sometimes, if I’ve got the presence of mind, I’ll remember to gear down and take it slower. More likely, I’ll remember that rocking the car to build up momentum can help me get over the edge and into the clear. When neither of those things work, however, I have to rely on someone else to give me a push. Be it a helpful passerby, a passenger on my journey, or a friend who is willing to show up to help out, there are just some ruts I can’t get out of on my own.

Moving this problem to the metaphoric, I’ve been running up against old bad habits and emotional lows for the last few weeks, one of which will feed off the other in a never ending cycle. I’ve tried to slow down and take things easy. I’ve tried switching between work and play, rewarding work with play in an attempt to promote a healthier, more enjoyable outlook. I’ve even tried pushing myself just a little harder, to see if I could keep going through the worst of it. All that does is cause me to freeze up entirely.

There’s only one solution I haven’t tried. I need to ask for help. I’m not even sure of what kind of help I need, but starting today I’m going to make an attempt to open up to the people around me and see what a little outside influence will do. I’m starting here. If you have any comments or suggestions for me, please feel free to send them along. The comment button is below, or you can reach me at blog.nextstep@gmail.com. I’ll be happy to hear from anyone, and also if there’s something you feel I can help you with, or a question you have, send those along too. We’ve all got flaws and problems. It’s hard to admit it, but unless we do, we’ll never improve.

Next I’ll be asking my friends and family for support, which I should have done a long time ago. It’s just so much harder to open up to someone I care about rather than a complete stranger. I have no personal investment in what a stranger might think of me, but the possibility of disappointing someone who cares about me is scarey.

Finally, I’ll think long and hard about what’s worthwhile in my life, and what I might need to change sooner, rather than later. I know I’m being vague and mysterious here, but nobody said I had to tell my dear readers everything. Here’s wishing you all have smooth dry pavement on your travels, but if you hit a bump and get stuck in a rut, remember to slow down, think about what you’re doing, and ask for help if you need it.

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

Happy Monday

Today is my birthday. I have been alive and, arguably, my own entity for 29 revolutions of the Sun. To those of you out there who are wishing me a happy birthday, happy Monday!

I’m serious, have a fantastic Monday! I intend to, but the fact that it’s also my birthday really doesn’t affect me one way or another. The whole concept of celebrating one’s birthday rubs me the wrong way, and I know that expressing this in a public forum is going to make me sound like a curmudgeon, but as it is my birthday, and the rest of the population of North America seems to think that I ought to be selfish on this day for some reason, I am going to state my opinions for all to see.

I touched on this previously, but it bears repeating. I don’t think we should need a calendar to remind us to show someone we love them. A birthday celebration is a lazy way to make someone feel appreciated, and for people like me, it actually makes us uncomfortable. Shy people don’t like being made much of, especially in public. Dragging us out to be the centre of attention, while at the same time telling us that it’s what we should want, is cruel and unusual. I’m generally willing to go along with it, because it makes my friends happy, and I do enjoy myself, but not because it’s “for me”. I enjoy being around people. I enjoy having a good time. I enjoy bringing joy to others. I enjoy being able to feed them and supply them with “wine and song”, or being part of good conversations. I don’t even mind being the centre of the room. However, this is how I want my whole life to be, not just once a year.

Presents are a different matter. My friends seem to be under the impression that I don’t like getting presents, which isn’t true. I don’t necessarily like being bombarded by presents on my birthday, when I know they are specifically for the purpose. If it’s someone’s birthday, you may feel obligated to get them a gift whether you want to or not. Just because it’s someone’s birthday, you might rush out to spend money on trinkets they neither want or need. On the other hand, if someone sees something that they think I ought to have, or knows I need something and am lacking it, I take great pleasure in being given a gift whether it’s my birthday or just another random Thursday afternoon.

So far the presents I’ve been given this birthday are as follows:

    A membership to CostCo,

    A membership to the CAA,

    A humorous card with a five dollar bill tucked into it for a coffee,

    A velvet bag containing Whiskey Stones.

All of these things were fantastic presents for me. Both of the memberships were from my mother and will last a year (conveniently until my next birthday), and though they aren’t flashy, they will enrich my life. My mother understands that a present shouldn’t be about how much it cost, but how much it’s worth to the person receiving it.

The card was sent by a casual acquaintance who simply has one of those big hearts. The old guy just wants to make people happy and enrich their lives, and he made sure to get me a card which was not only funny, but poignant. I laughed when I read it, and that’s as good a gift as I could hope for.

The whiskey stones were from one of my lodgers, who may or may not know about my feelings about birthdays. Nevertheless, he wanted to get me something amazing and he succeeded. We’ve shared many glasses of whiskey together, so the stones are not only something which I’ve wanted for a long time, but something which speaks to our bond. Truth be told, I had manly tears of manliness in my eyes when he gave them to me.

Shut up... it was manly....

The point is that each of these gifts are worth far more to me than what they cost the people who bought them. They may have been bought with my birthday in mind, but I would have accepted them any time and they’d have meant just as much, because I know that they care.

The other side of presents at birthdays is that if everyone is giving me a gift, whether they can afford it or not, and just because it’s the thing to do, then my friends may be hurting themselves. I don’t want that, ever. If, on the other hand, someone didn’t get me something, I know that they may feel bad for not doing so, and that would be equally undesirable. All I need is the love of my friends and family, not shiney things. I know that they care because they chose to spend time with me, and if they want to buy me something or take me out for a meal when they have a little extra cash, so be it, but forcing them to do so, whether they can afford it or not, is not a thing which brings me joy.

As a Christian, there is another aspect of birthdays which bothers me. I’m sure that most people are going to think that I’m completely blowing this out of proportion, but there’s a reason that one’s birthday is a high holiday in Satanism. The veneration of the self is key to the principles of Satanism, and at complete odds with Christianity, which teaches humility. For those of you who don’t know, Satanism is a serious religion which celebrates the Self and Personal Rebellion. LaVeyan Satanism is even a philosophy as opposed of a religion, and not necessarily an evil one.

Getting back to my point, Christianity teaches you to be humble, and avoid putting on airs or making much of yourself. Even if you do something incredible, Christians believe that your attitude ought to be “I’m grateful that I could accomplish this” as opposed to “Look at how fantastic I am”. In this light, celebrating a birthday should mean being thankful for the past year, and hopeful for the next. I wouldn’t have a problem with that sort of celebration, just don’t try to make me feel important. I don’t want to feel important. I want to feel necessary.

To me, it makes far more sense to celebrate one’s parents on one’s birthday. I know there are already scheduled holidays for that. Namely Mother’s day and Father’s day, but wouldn’t it be far more personal and meaningful to commemorate the occasion which your parents specifically had a hand in, rather than some arbitrary day? I think the veneration of the people responsible for making your birthday happen is far more fitting than making much of yourself. On your birthday, you should call your parents, maybe make them a meal, provide for them as they have provided for you all your life, and say “Thank you”.

So, I’m going to go call my parents, and I hope that you all have the very best Monday you’ve ever had!

Thanks for reading,

-Step.