I am a Dom.

For anyone who didn’t like my last post, you probably won’t like this one either. Be warned.

I am a sexual dominant. The male equivalent of a dominatrix. Dominator would be the correct term, except that that makes me sound like a comic book villain. It is my intention to do this professionally, and I am working toward that end as we speak. There is nothing illegal, unethical, nor, in my opinion, immoral about the practice (at least in Canada as of this date), and I intend to help keep it that way through open discussion on public media such as this blog (How’s that for a political statement?).

Why do it professionally? Why not just keep it private? I don’t just do what I do for my own kicks. I like to help people. As I said in my last post, kink isn’t necessarily about sex. Some people need to give up control, even if only temporarily, and they need a safe way to do it. I’m good at accepting that control in order to give people what they need, but not necessarily what they want. I can be a tyrant, and I am empathetic enough to know when I’m reaching a limit before I get there. I care, and I know what it’s like to have needs which you are afraid to admit to anyone, even to yourself.

For years I thought I was a bad person because of some of the things I thought about. I’ve had fantasies about all manner of things which I thought were evil. Years later, I am still dealing with the havoc which considering myself an evil person has wrought on my psyche, but I made important discoveries and distinctions about fantasy, reality, and consent (more on this later). My second wife was the first person to suggest that it might be okay for me to be myself, and to express myself. Now, on the eve of our parting, I am finally doing just that.

Thank you sweetie. I’m sorry it won’t work out for us, but I’m grateful for the lessons you’ve taught me.

Being a Dom is more about the other person than it is about you. Are you ready for a big secret? A Dom has to submit. A Dom has to give over their own desires and see to the needs of their sub, and if the sub has had enough, the Dom stops. A good Dom does, anyway.

The key to a Dom/sub relationship is trust. The sub has to trust the Dom, the Dom has to trust the sub, and they must trust themselves. If the Dom has no faith in his own abilities, nor confidence that he can give the sub what they need, then the partnership will be unstable, and the safety of both is at risk. "A wise man does not build his house on sand, but on a rock." The Dom must serve as that rock in order to be worthy of accepting the gift of submission.

This isn’t the last I’ll be writing on this subject, just a brief intro.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

I am a Kinkster.

As of the date of this writing, there has been some degree of publicity about the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. There are many opinions of these books including that they are trash, pornography, poorly written, hot, etc. Much of the outcry against the books seems to have come from the fetish community itself.

People either seem to think that the portrayal of kink is a skewed one, or that these books have unjustly become big hits while many better titles remain unknown.

I, for my part, enjoyed the series. I may tell you more about what I enjoyed, and what I didn’t, in a later blog post, but for now I just want to use it as a starting point.

The one undeniable boon which the series has paid to the kink world is bringing it into the social consciousness. We’re out there, and now that people know we’re out there, and that 'normal' people can enjoy a look into our world, we have a chance to set the record straight.

Time for some technical terms.

A Kink is anything a person might use to spice up their sex lives. Something not specifically sexual which turns them on or can enhance their sexual experience. A few examples of kinks are Sensory Deprivation (ie. blindfolding), Bondage (having the hands or other parts bound or tied), and Voyarism/Exhibitionism (watching or being watched doing something, usually naughty).

A Fetish is something without which a person can not experience sexual arousal. Technically, having a fetish is unhealthy and may negatively impact every day life.

In common parlance, the terms are used interchangeably, and that can lead to some confusion. Kinks aren’t bad things, and as long as all parties are consenting adults, I don’t believe anyone should be able to say boo about whatever you want to do in the bedroom.

There is a formula which we in the community use. That formula is Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If you can keep things Safe, Sane, and Consensual, then what’s the problem? Now, some people might argue about what is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, but that’s for the individual to decide. If extreme sports such as alpine skiing and skydiving are deemed safe enough to practice, then a little controlled danger in the bedroom is no one else’s business.

I’ve been writing up to this point under the assumption that what we’re talking about is sexual, but for some people that isn’t even true. Some people have other motives for taking up alternative lifestyles, and I may cover that at a later date. For now, consider that just because something isn’t your thing doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

Doubts

There’s nothing like a parent to shake your faith in what you’re trying to do with your life.

I recently told my mother and stepfather about what’s happening with me. I had thought it was the good version of that conversation. There was veiled hostility on my mother’s end while I fumbled the details out, and then I left. A few days later I got an email from her laden with misunderstandings, assumptions, and more hostility.

I expected this.

After I flubbed the initial conversation, I knew I could expect an email of this nature, and I was already planning a more well formed response, but that doesn’t change the fact that when I read her email it almost broke me.

The fact that when I told my father, his reaction was “Whatever makes you happy” didn’t help much. For one thing, I told him first, and for another, he’s always been more carefree. I was gratified that he wasn’t against, because he does have a political conservative bend, but he’s much more actually conservative, which should mean “Don’t bother them and they won’t bother you”.

What son doesn’t want the respect and acceptance of their parents? (actually, I know a couple...) Well, I want those things, and before telling either of them, I set that aside. After all, wanting the admiration of your parents is a childish motivation, and I’m finally trying to do something important with my life. I don’t expect I’ll amount to much, but I don’t think Alfred Kinsey knew what he’d accomplish when he set out.

No, I’m not comparing myself to Alfred Kinsey, I’m just giving an analogy.

There is the possibility that I will be able to start a change in this world. I intend to advocate against injustices which most people don’t even recognize. I intend to make the first steps toward family group equality. I know that a lot of people are going to hate me just because I exist. I just have to try to live in such a way to show those people that I’m doing nothing wrong, and if they act out against me, then they are.

I say act, not speak. Everyone is entitled to a well formed opinion, and I’m willing to discuss opinions with anyone who wants to, but if it comes to the point of bricks coming through my windows, I’m not going to be impressed.

There’s more to be said here for sure, I’m just working through my own mind here, and that’s enough for now.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

I am Polyamorous.

For those of you who don’t know, Polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic or sexual relationship at a time. Open relationships are polyamorous. Joined Marriages are polyamorous. Cheating on your spouse is NOT polyamorous.

When most people think of a romantic entanglement, they think of a couple. They think of monogamy. They usually think that anything other than that is cheating, that anything other than that is wrong. There may be some religious arguments in favour of monogamy, there may even be a cultural argument. There is certainly a cultural bias.

I believe that rather than forcing everyone to fit into a single mould, we should let each person decide his or her own desires, and express them openly, honestly, and directly to the world around them. This doesn’t mean screaming your point of view for all to hear, it just means not beating around the bush about what you want from life so that other people don’t have the opportunity to build up false expectations about who and what you are.

On a first date, or a second, or even a third, is the right time to mention the fact that you are polyamorous. A year into a relationship during which you have been seeing other people behind your partner’s back is not.

Most people probably think that polyamory leads to higher risk of disease, pregnancy, rape, etc, etc. This is because most people believe polyamory means sleeping with whoever you want, as much as you want, but this isn’t the case. Bisexuals have been painted with the same brush, just as unfairly.

I have had a series of long term relationships. With one exception(which I admit was a big mistake), every person I’ve ever slept with meant the world to me. I’m still good friends with the majority of them. How many monogamous people can say that?

The key to a polyamorous relationship is Compersion. You can be poly without it, but for a truely healthy relationship, ANY relationship, you should try to cultivate it.

Compersion is the feeling of joy or contentment you get when someone you love if being made happy, whether it is by you or not. It is the opposite of Jealousy. The thought “I love her and I am happy that she is happy” is one of compersion. Now, this term was originally invented by the poly community, and is generally restricted to use in sexual situations, but I think that’s too narrow. I think compersion is found throughout life, just as any emotion. Let’s take a step back.

Say you’re a parent and your child is learning to ride a bicycle. You’re running along beside them, your hand on the back of the bike to keep it steady. Eventually, you let go and the child keeps going. They have learned to ride, and it is in part, thanks to you. What a wonderful feeling. Your child is growing up a little bit.

Now, let’s say that you’re not the one pushing the bike. Let’s say that you are sitting on your front porch watching as your husband or wife is running behind the bike. Is there any less of a feeling of satisfaction, joy, and contentment? If you said no, then you are at least casually aware of compersion. The same emotion can be felt when you help someone dress for a date, as you share in their excitement, or when a good friend aces a test to learn how to drive, or become a lawyer, or any number of small things. The same thing can be felt when you know that your lover is safely in the hands of their lover, and they are being loved. It’s difficult to understand until you’ve felt it, or if you let jealousy get in your way.

Jealousy is not only the enemy of compersion, but of any relationship whatsoever.

A jealous parent would be one who couldn’t stand watching their spouse and child having fun together without being a part of it. A lover can be jealous not only of other sexual partners, but that their partner might have their own friends at all. These scenarios are both frightening, and real. I’m not saying that anyone should be content to just sit back and watch others live, but having that vicarious sense of joy can enrich your life in ways which are impossible to describe until you’ve felt it.

I urge you, poly or not, to give compersion a try. Watch your wife sit and knit, or read, or do something which is of no interest to you, but gives her great joy. Watch your husband work on that rusty old truck, or practice his swing. For once, see the joy that your friend takes from that show which you hate, and be happy for them.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

I am a Furry

Now, some of you probably read that and said “What the hell is a furry?”, and some others of you probably went “Oh god, one of THOSE”.

I am writing to address both of these groups. If you’re not in one of these groups, read along anyway, this shit is gold (and educational to boot!).

Furries have been given a bad rep by just about every other outcast community out there. Even the people that other nerds and geeks look down on, look down on furries. I’ve told people that I LARP, and they give me the hairy eyeball, but even a LARPer can belittle and trash talk a Furry (Nerd hierarchies are just as complex and volatile as any other group). The internet is no help. If you go type Furry into a search engine, you’ll most likely come up with porn or weirdos in costumes doing ridiculous things.

So, What is a furry? A furry is a person who feels an affinity for a particular animal, and expresses that as part of their personality. That’s it. That’s the whole of what makes you a furry. Sure there’s lots of other stuff that might go along with it, but if you want to know what makes someone a furry, check out the bold sentence above.

In one way, this affinity is nothing new. Animal totemism has been around as long as people have lived. Even without the spiritual or ritual aspects, people have taken animal names as titles in “advanced” cultures. Think about Richard the Lion Heart, or in fiction, Zorro (the Fox). These people (Or the people who dubbed them such) felt that an animal title said something about themselves, and it certainly added to their mystique.

Now to modern day furries. The people who make up the furry community are mostly romantic, mercurial individuals who are in touch with something ineffable within themselves. Sound familiar? That’s right, they’re artists! Out of the fifty or so furries I know, about thirty five of them are artists, and more non furry artists hang with the furry crowd because of its warmth and acceptance.

“But what about the costumes?”
Sure, okay. Let’s get there. A lot of furries dress up in costume, or assume their animal guise, as it were. Some even go so far as to saying that when they are in their “Fur Suit” they are in their real skin. Is that so different from the old adage “The clothes make the man”? I know people (myself included) who don’t feel confident unless they’re well dressed.

“Yeah but they have sex in those costumes!”
If you seriously think this, I’m going to roll my eyes at you. How many people do you think have sex in tuxes and ballgowns, or uniforms, or even simple lingerie? Yes, some people have sex in fur suits, and so what? It’s not the reason most people dress up, nor is it any of anyone’s business except the people involved.

“Aren’t all furries gay?”
Furries tend to be friendly, even cuddly. They tend to include anyone who wants to be included, and they tend not to judge other people. This inclusivity is probably the reason that so much of the furry community is sexually open or homosexual. They aren’t judged for it like in the rest of the world. But no, not all furries are gay, and not all are even bisexual. I know many straight furries and a few asexual furries as well.

Furries include the straight, the gay, the socially awkward, the socially ept, the fat, the skinny, and just about anyone else who wants to come hang out, so long as they, too, can get along.

Furries are, by and large, better at keeping the golden rule than most Christians I know.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.