TransGenre

Well, NaNoWriMo is over for another year. Any of you who follow me on twitter should already be aware how I fared. For those of you who don't, YOU SHOULD, but also, I won! My final word count as of November 30th was 50 518 words. Now, I'm sure I'll need to add at least another 20 000 to properly finish the story, then comes the long and arduous process of editing, but right now, it feels good to have accomplished so much in one month.

Reading back over what I've written gave me pause for consideration. The novel I'm writing could cautiously be described as steamy. It involves sex, domination, and sensuality, but I didn't set out to write (nor have I created) a work of erotica. So we come to the topic of this post.

What separates Literary Fiction that centres around sex and self discovery from Erotica? How do you define Sci-Fi, and is it really a genre? What makes one modern novel about vampires Urban Fantasy, and another Horror?

Genre is a loose classification system which is really very arbitrary. If you get two readers in the same room, reading the same books, they’ll likely disagree about what genre a certain book fits into. I’ve looked all over a bookstore for a specific work, and then found it in the exact section I was avoiding.

For the purposes of this blog post, I’m going to be focussing on my first question. What makes something erotica, versus just Fic-Lit involving sex. The reasons for this are that my NaNoWriMo experience is still fresh in my mind, and I’ve got good examples to illustrate this point in particular, though I may go further with this topic in future.

The key difference between Erotica and literature containing sex isn’t whether you use certain words, or how explicite you get with your descriptions, nor is it the quality of the writing. I’ve heard people say that the thing which elevates Erotica into Literature is the quality, and that’s absolutely not true. I’ve read bad literature, and I’ve read good erotica. The real thing which separates erotica from other literature is the purpose for which it was written. Erotica is written to get people off.

Before I go any further, let me preempt any objections to that statement by saying that I’m not passing judgement here. In fact, people who think that I’ve somehow slandered Erotica by saying it’s just about getting off aren’t giving human sexuality its proper respect. In the same way that good science fiction should make us think and good literature should make us feel, good erotica should arouse us and help us understand sexuality. If you want to make a moral judgement, then that’s your business and I’ll have none of it here.

Now, back to my point. Erotica is written to get people off. My novel includes several scenes of domination and submission, mostly in the context of teaching, but there are a couple of straight up sex scenes. These scenes are written not for the purpose of getting people off, though I’m sure they might. These scenes are written to further explore the characters and themes presented in my novel. That’s the distinction.

To illustrate this, I’m going to use some written examples. If you’re offended by sex and sexuality or aren’t interested in reading my erotic content, just skip the rest of this blog post.

This excerpt is from my erotic short story series about a female submissive living in a home with several sister submissives.

“A tingle shot down her spine as she felt him grip her neck. He began to press and she relented, bending at the waist until her breasts and cheek touched the cool wood of the table. She then felt a foot between her ankles, and at his urging, she spread her legs wide, letting the table support her as much as her feet. He stepped back then, and she knew he was examining her. A feeling of slickness ran to her lips. His hands were on her buttocks, spreading them apart. She felt exposed, terribly exposed, gloriously exposed and naked to this, her Master. She had hoped when she came here to serve that he might take an interest in her body, but hadn't counted on it. Kitten was his oldest and truest, and since the new girl had appeared, she'd spent almost every night in his bed, worshipping him. Lady had always been in the background, more a pet to Kitten than to Kitten's Master, but this was her time, her turn to be seen by the Master.

She tried not to get too ahead of herself. Just because he was inspecting her didn't mean he was going to make use of her, but her body trembled in anticipation of it. Then the most amazing thing happened. She hadn't registered him sinking to his knee, in fact she hadn't registered anything except his strong hands on her ass, but all of a sudden she felt the hot slick probing of his tongue on her anus. God, it almost made her cum. That would have been a disaster, but she couldn't help her quick intake of breath on a moan. She'd never, NEVER been touched so intimately by a man in all her life. To have his tongue reaching into her ass... it would have been mortifying if it didn't feel so good.

His hands moved down from her buttocks to her thighs, and she felt his thumbs pry so that she blossomed open. Her clit felt like there was a dew drop balanced on it, about to fall. She bit her lip to keep from moaning again, and then whining as he pulled back to examine her closely.

"Why haven't I ever fucked you before?" he asked.

"I don't know Sir" she gasped.

"Would you like me to?" he asked, even though he could clearly see that she was ready for him.

"If it pleases you, Sir." came the trained response, even though her mind and body were screaming yes, yes, yes, GOD yes.

She heard the jangling of his belt as he loosened his pants one handed, his other palm pressing down against her tailbone, and his thumb dangerously pressing on her slick anus. She let go of her lip, knowing that tensing up would only make it worse for her. If he intended to take her ass, something very few men had gotten to do, she was determined to enjoy it. As it turned out, she needn't have worried.”

In this scene, there is definitely character development, but it’s clear that the point is to arouse. To contrast, here is an excerpt from the draft of my novel, “Novice”(working title) in which the protagonist has just learned that in order to take part in the society in which he finds himself, he’s going to have to undergo a spanking. He accepts, hesitantly.

“The slaps came quickly. It really didn’t hurt at all for a while. She was just slapping my skin to bring the blood to the surface, as she’d shown me. Every time her hand struck me I clenched my muscles and a thrill traveled up my spine. Then she began to get more serious. Still, it didn’t really hurt for a long while. It stung, it was annoying, but nothing I couldn’t take with grace, and when she stopped to run her hand across my cheeks, there was a tingle of sensation so intense it made me shiver.

“Wooh…” I couldn’t help myself. “That’s interesting.”

“Mm, yes. Isn’t it?” she said with a laugh in her voice.

The next moment my world was centred on a sharp tight pain as she slapped me sharply.

I set my jaw and tried not to react, but before I could process one blow, she'd landed another, and another. She kept her hand moving, never staying in one spot, and I found my mind engaged in the task of anticipating where she would go next. Most of the time I could tell where she was going, but a few times she caught me off guard, and it stung worse, as I hadn't braced for it.

I was too proud to cry out or ask for a moment to rest. She probably knew all about it. We men are proud creatures, I knew I wasn't the first she'd spanked.

She's too good to be new at it. I thought.

I could feel the heat radiating from my ass, my thighs, and I imagined they were bright red. If this was a simple hand spanking, what would the switch feel like? I wasn’t sure I could take it. I wasn’t sure I could take much more of this as it was. Then, she smacked me one final time, so hard that it forced a sound out of me. The shock of the blow was immediate, but as I waited for the next blow, something happened which I wasn’t expecting.

The pain was sharp, but faded slowly. It resounded, and I could feel my pulse flow through the reddened flesh. A warmth spread from the place she’d struck, travelling farther with every beat of my heart. I imagined the pain like a raindrop spreading a shock wave of warmth through my whole body, fading as it travelled further out.”

This scene is definitely arousing(at least to me), but it should be clear that the point is character development. Even the descriptions in the scene show how the character views the world. Now, it’s true that all forms of literature, erotica included, should use good description and incorporate the character’s views into crafting the world, but even though the journey may be the same, the destinations will be different depending on what type of story you’re trying to tell. In this case, and very few others, it’s not how you get there, but where you’re going that matters.

Thanks for reading,

-Step

P.S. If anyone would like to read more of my fiction, send me an email or comment below and maybe I’ll make it happen!

P.P.S. This weekend I’m going to be helping the lovely and talented purveyor of Angelique Trinkets pimp her fantastic jewelry at the Ottawa Pop Expo. If anyone out there reading my blog is going to be there, please stop by the table to check us out!

The Ides of NaNo (This one's for the writers out there.)

Here we are, November the 15th.

If you payed attention to my NaNoWriMo post you would know that that means I should be at approximately 25000 words.

So how much have I actually gotten written? 

21887.

That's right, I'm behind! Unlike this blog, however, I'm not going to just forget about it. With half a month left to go, I have faith that I'll be able to pick up the pace and get my 50000 written on time.

The question which plagues me is this. What if I'm not finished the book? What if I complete my fifty thousand words and I'm not quite at the climax, or maybe nowhere even close to it?

I keep going of course, but I mean according to the rules. Can you still win if you're not finished? Can you just fake it and call the rest editing? Is that really the point?

Of course not.

The point is to write, and that I have been doing. For any of you other NaNoers out there, keep it up! You can do it. Even if you don't have your full 50k by month's end, you'll still have a heck of a lot more than you did before you started.

Remember, it takes ten thousand hours of doing something until you begin to be good at it. Every word you write brings you closer to that ten thousand hours.

Keep writing!

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

P.S. If you need more inspiration, check out I Should Be Writing. You'll see that the professionals have troubles to work through, and also gain some interesting insights into the nature of writing and procrastination.

NaNoWriMo

I have no idea how often I'll be posting during this month of November, but I've decided that something's better than nothing, and nothing's what I've been putting up for the last six months.

We're already two days into NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I've just decided to throw up some blog posts on the fly. Tomorrow is also my only day off until the middle of the month. Call me crazy.

For those of you who aren't familiar with NaNoWriMo, here's a little introduction. November is National Novel Writing Month. For those literary types out there, the goal is to write 50 000 words on a single project between November First and November Thirtieth. That works out to roughly 1670 words per day. I managed to do just that yesterday, and it looks like I'll accomplish a similar amount this evening. My personal goal is 2000 words per day, but I think I'll have to work up to that. I'm feeling a little rusty.

I'm also putting this blog post up without editing, so forgive me if it doesn't have the polish that you've come to know and love.

Anyway, this is just a brief note to say I'm back, I'm sorry it's been a while, and it feels good to write again.

If anyone actually is out there reading, feel free to drop me a line at blog.nextstep@gmail.com I always welcome feedback and suggestions.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

Me Mask

I’ve recently had a number of conversations on this topic and it occurs to me, for the first time, to put this down in writing.

I am one of the shyest people I know, this stemming from a childhood of ridicule and exclusion. In the small town in which I grew up, it felt like I was the whipping boy. Everyone my age seemed to be my enemy. I had very few friends and thought of myself as “that weird kid”. This probably isn’t an unfamiliar story to some of my readers.

Something which compounded the problem, however, was that as I grew older, I was told by parents, teachers, and peers that I was arrogant or a know it all. I feel that my early attempts to share information were seen as my trying to be better than others, something which I still deny.

At some point my social interactions pretty much split into two parts, which each equally affected my sense of self. My online interactions grew up around changing my form and becoming a different person to fit each different situation so that I wouldn’t have to feel odd or left out. I learned to role play and act, to throw myself into a different mentality, which is still something I love to do. My in-person interactions were focussed on being hurt as little as possible while still connecting to the world around me.

The culmination of both of these streams was the development of my Me Mask. I retreated farther and farther inside the shell which was Me. It has become a character which I play and is in every way exactly the same as the real me. It has flaws, and can even discuss its flaws, and I’m okay with that because if people don’t like him, then they are simply disliking the character I’m playing, not the person I am.

I still wear this mask every day. I’ve only dropped it for any length of time with two people since I put it on. One of those people hurt me a great deal, and I think part of me (the stupid part of me) is waiting for the other to do the same.

I’m not sure if there’s a point in discussing this concept, but I figured since one person recently reacted to my explanation of my Me Mask with “OMG, that’s so me! I’ve never met anyone else like that”, maybe there are more of us. Maybe everyone’s like us, and we don’t realize it. Maybe we’re all walking around in a world of fragile, terrified individuals, and the ones who are warm and happy and engaging are simply wearing better masks.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to step out from behind my mask and let my friends and family get a good look at me. For now, I’ll find consolation in the fact that the mask at least fits perfectly, and is for all intents and purposes, transparent.

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

End of Month Update: April

Well, it finally happened. I failed. For two weeks, I have failed to update on Monday. I guess that means I should stop trying and throw in the towel altogether, right?

Failure is a hard thing to deal with, but much harder is picking up and carrying on when you’ve become discouraged. Even something which may seem small to others may have great psychological effects if you let it, and the longer you put it off or avoid it, the worse your discouragement can become. I’ve waited two weeks, and I’m using my monthly update as a jumping off point to carry on.

I could (and will) give you the reasons I found it difficult to update, but if I’d really put my mind and heart into it, I’d have been able to, no matter the opposition. The failure was mine, no excuses.

Now, on to my successes!

I’ve still been slacking on Fitocracy, so if anyone out there wants to motivate me, feel free to give me a poke. I am doing well with my weight however. Even after two weekends of bad food, my weight is back down to 295, and I’m hoping to keep on top of that. The fact that I have been ill over the past week probably had something to do with my weight loss, but I’ll get into that later.

My house is reasonably clean, but in need of work. I’m having my Kitten put together and prioritize a list of home improvements. I have my own list of course, but most of what I want to do requires money which I don’t have at the moment.

Business is looking both more and less feasible. Everything I learn leads me to three more things I need to work toward, and I’m not moving nearly fast enough. I’ve got someone who’s willing to teach me about fire, and that’s exciting. I watched a demonstration with flash cotton which was absolutely stunning. The thing which I need to spend time on at the moment, however, is attitude. I’ve been far too soft on my Kitten, and she’s begun telling me so. I need to work her harder and I have a few ideas of how to accomplish this. Wish me (and her) luck ;)

So that’s my health, my blog, my home, and my business and skills all dealt with tidily. Now I’d like to add a little more information about what’s been going on over the past three weeks.

After my post about birthdays, I got extremely busy. I’ve been letting my responsibilities slide over the last couple of months, due to depression and anxiety. This all came to a head this month as I’ve got to file my taxes. My built up anxiety was still there, however, and it started to direct itself toward my blog. I couldn’t face the prospect of writing for an audience, and I choked. I know it probably seems silly to a non-writer (writers may have a bit more sympathy), but the idea of someone else reading something you’ve written can be a scarey thing on a good day, nevermind when you’re already anxious.

Anyway, I skipped a blog post, felt terrible, and went on with life. The next week was fantastic. On Tuesday I went to a friend’s place for dinner, and then to a Munch, and then to a strip club with a group of sex positive friends and got treated to lap dances all night. It was a great experience. After that, I had to pack and prepare for the convention which another friend had invited me to on the weekend.

UBCon is held at the University of Buffalo every year and Josie, the creator of Angelyque Trinkets, had a table in Artist’s Alley this year. She needed a second person on her table, so she asked me to help out. It was a fantastic experience and I’ll likely be doing it again sometime soon. I would like to think that I helped her sales (which were record breaking!) with my friendly and competent demeanor, and I’ve been told since that I make good eye candy, which I suppose means I’m going to have to believe people who tell me I’m attractive, despite my own opinions on the matter.

Upon returning home of course, I was afflicted with Con Crud, and had to spend some time recuperating in bed. I used that as an excuse to further put off updating my blog, and the guilt started to return. This, added to the fact that the boss was away at my day job and I was primarily in charge, and my Kitten was out of town on her own adventures, all added up to make me a tightly coiled ball of stress. I managed to level out near the end of the week, however, and was quite affable by the time my dad came to stay this past weekend.

I don’t get to see my Dad very often, and neither of us are much for the telephone, so having him come and stay was a rare treat. We went for a long walk, spent some time in the garden, got creative in the kitchen, and shared a few pints.

Three fantastic experiences. The Tuesday outing, the convention, and my father coming to visit. Even with the stress and the sick in the middle I’m feeling much better and, what’s more, rested.

I’ve been looking back over the blog, and recognize something I’ve been avoiding for some time. I started this thing to spark conversation, to voice the unpopular opinion, and, in my own small way, to change the world. I’m not going to accomplish that if I keep shying away from the posts I want to write for fear of what people may think. It’s inexcusable that I’ve gone this long without speaking on the topics of Feminism, Pornography, Marriage, Mass Media, Global American Influence, Internet Stupidity, Intellectual Property, and the like. I’ve got strong opinions, and I’m going to have to start voicing them if I want this to go anywhere. Look forward to it!  ;)

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

Spinning Our Wheels

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, we just don’t have the power to gain traction and dig ourselves out of a rut. As the owner of a small car in Ontario, who can’t really afford snow tires, I know this all too well. When I’m spinning my wheels (thereby making things worse), it can really be disheartening to see the lack of progress. Sometimes, if I’ve got the presence of mind, I’ll remember to gear down and take it slower. More likely, I’ll remember that rocking the car to build up momentum can help me get over the edge and into the clear. When neither of those things work, however, I have to rely on someone else to give me a push. Be it a helpful passerby, a passenger on my journey, or a friend who is willing to show up to help out, there are just some ruts I can’t get out of on my own.

Moving this problem to the metaphoric, I’ve been running up against old bad habits and emotional lows for the last few weeks, one of which will feed off the other in a never ending cycle. I’ve tried to slow down and take things easy. I’ve tried switching between work and play, rewarding work with play in an attempt to promote a healthier, more enjoyable outlook. I’ve even tried pushing myself just a little harder, to see if I could keep going through the worst of it. All that does is cause me to freeze up entirely.

There’s only one solution I haven’t tried. I need to ask for help. I’m not even sure of what kind of help I need, but starting today I’m going to make an attempt to open up to the people around me and see what a little outside influence will do. I’m starting here. If you have any comments or suggestions for me, please feel free to send them along. The comment button is below, or you can reach me at blog.nextstep@gmail.com. I’ll be happy to hear from anyone, and also if there’s something you feel I can help you with, or a question you have, send those along too. We’ve all got flaws and problems. It’s hard to admit it, but unless we do, we’ll never improve.

Next I’ll be asking my friends and family for support, which I should have done a long time ago. It’s just so much harder to open up to someone I care about rather than a complete stranger. I have no personal investment in what a stranger might think of me, but the possibility of disappointing someone who cares about me is scarey.

Finally, I’ll think long and hard about what’s worthwhile in my life, and what I might need to change sooner, rather than later. I know I’m being vague and mysterious here, but nobody said I had to tell my dear readers everything. Here’s wishing you all have smooth dry pavement on your travels, but if you hit a bump and get stuck in a rut, remember to slow down, think about what you’re doing, and ask for help if you need it.

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

Happy Monday

Today is my birthday. I have been alive and, arguably, my own entity for 29 revolutions of the Sun. To those of you out there who are wishing me a happy birthday, happy Monday!

I’m serious, have a fantastic Monday! I intend to, but the fact that it’s also my birthday really doesn’t affect me one way or another. The whole concept of celebrating one’s birthday rubs me the wrong way, and I know that expressing this in a public forum is going to make me sound like a curmudgeon, but as it is my birthday, and the rest of the population of North America seems to think that I ought to be selfish on this day for some reason, I am going to state my opinions for all to see.

I touched on this previously, but it bears repeating. I don’t think we should need a calendar to remind us to show someone we love them. A birthday celebration is a lazy way to make someone feel appreciated, and for people like me, it actually makes us uncomfortable. Shy people don’t like being made much of, especially in public. Dragging us out to be the centre of attention, while at the same time telling us that it’s what we should want, is cruel and unusual. I’m generally willing to go along with it, because it makes my friends happy, and I do enjoy myself, but not because it’s “for me”. I enjoy being around people. I enjoy having a good time. I enjoy bringing joy to others. I enjoy being able to feed them and supply them with “wine and song”, or being part of good conversations. I don’t even mind being the centre of the room. However, this is how I want my whole life to be, not just once a year.

Presents are a different matter. My friends seem to be under the impression that I don’t like getting presents, which isn’t true. I don’t necessarily like being bombarded by presents on my birthday, when I know they are specifically for the purpose. If it’s someone’s birthday, you may feel obligated to get them a gift whether you want to or not. Just because it’s someone’s birthday, you might rush out to spend money on trinkets they neither want or need. On the other hand, if someone sees something that they think I ought to have, or knows I need something and am lacking it, I take great pleasure in being given a gift whether it’s my birthday or just another random Thursday afternoon.

So far the presents I’ve been given this birthday are as follows:

    A membership to CostCo,

    A membership to the CAA,

    A humorous card with a five dollar bill tucked into it for a coffee,

    A velvet bag containing Whiskey Stones.

All of these things were fantastic presents for me. Both of the memberships were from my mother and will last a year (conveniently until my next birthday), and though they aren’t flashy, they will enrich my life. My mother understands that a present shouldn’t be about how much it cost, but how much it’s worth to the person receiving it.

The card was sent by a casual acquaintance who simply has one of those big hearts. The old guy just wants to make people happy and enrich their lives, and he made sure to get me a card which was not only funny, but poignant. I laughed when I read it, and that’s as good a gift as I could hope for.

The whiskey stones were from one of my lodgers, who may or may not know about my feelings about birthdays. Nevertheless, he wanted to get me something amazing and he succeeded. We’ve shared many glasses of whiskey together, so the stones are not only something which I’ve wanted for a long time, but something which speaks to our bond. Truth be told, I had manly tears of manliness in my eyes when he gave them to me.

Shut up... it was manly....

The point is that each of these gifts are worth far more to me than what they cost the people who bought them. They may have been bought with my birthday in mind, but I would have accepted them any time and they’d have meant just as much, because I know that they care.

The other side of presents at birthdays is that if everyone is giving me a gift, whether they can afford it or not, and just because it’s the thing to do, then my friends may be hurting themselves. I don’t want that, ever. If, on the other hand, someone didn’t get me something, I know that they may feel bad for not doing so, and that would be equally undesirable. All I need is the love of my friends and family, not shiney things. I know that they care because they chose to spend time with me, and if they want to buy me something or take me out for a meal when they have a little extra cash, so be it, but forcing them to do so, whether they can afford it or not, is not a thing which brings me joy.

As a Christian, there is another aspect of birthdays which bothers me. I’m sure that most people are going to think that I’m completely blowing this out of proportion, but there’s a reason that one’s birthday is a high holiday in Satanism. The veneration of the self is key to the principles of Satanism, and at complete odds with Christianity, which teaches humility. For those of you who don’t know, Satanism is a serious religion which celebrates the Self and Personal Rebellion. LaVeyan Satanism is even a philosophy as opposed of a religion, and not necessarily an evil one.

Getting back to my point, Christianity teaches you to be humble, and avoid putting on airs or making much of yourself. Even if you do something incredible, Christians believe that your attitude ought to be “I’m grateful that I could accomplish this” as opposed to “Look at how fantastic I am”. In this light, celebrating a birthday should mean being thankful for the past year, and hopeful for the next. I wouldn’t have a problem with that sort of celebration, just don’t try to make me feel important. I don’t want to feel important. I want to feel necessary.

To me, it makes far more sense to celebrate one’s parents on one’s birthday. I know there are already scheduled holidays for that. Namely Mother’s day and Father’s day, but wouldn’t it be far more personal and meaningful to commemorate the occasion which your parents specifically had a hand in, rather than some arbitrary day? I think the veneration of the people responsible for making your birthday happen is far more fitting than making much of yourself. On your birthday, you should call your parents, maybe make them a meal, provide for them as they have provided for you all your life, and say “Thank you”.

So, I’m going to go call my parents, and I hope that you all have the very best Monday you’ve ever had!

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

End of the Month Update: March

We’re already a quarter of the way through 2013, and it feels like no time at all has passed. Thankfully, I have something to show for the last month.

I’ve let my fitness slip a little bit. I’m back up to 306 lbs as of today, which means I’ll have to put some focus on eating right and exercising in the coming month. I’m sure the pizza we ordered last night didn’t help, but in the middle of the month I was down to 296, so one meal didn’t undo all that work. I’ve been ignoring my Fitocracy for other online media, and I haven’t been balancing my intake of starch with everything else. This is the one to watch for next month.

My house continues to be mostly in order. My storage and laundry room need work, but the rest of it is tidy for the most part. The kitchen is a constant battle, and it doesn’t help that one of my lodgers seems to be incapable of taking responsibility for himself, but he’s not the only guilty party, only the most visible. This will be something to address at the next household meeting, and I’ll have to watch how much I eat over our extravagant monthly meal.

My skills have been improving on schedule. I’ve reintroduced myself to the local Kink community and attended a munch, and a play party. Both were fantastic experiences, and helped to bolster my personal confidence. Also, watching other people and their techniques gave me new ideas which I’m going to have to practice and adopt. I had a setback near the start of the month due to depression, which prompted my last blog post. Thankfully, I was able to shrug off the March SADs, and keep buggering on.

I have been updating my blog later in the day than I’d like. I’m really going to have to work on this. I want to have a post ready to update first thing in the morning, which means I’m going to have to do the final edits the Sunday before. In spite of my late updates, however, I woke up this morning to a pique in traffic, which may be because it’s Monday, or may be due to my very good friend Tailsteak (the author of Leftover Soup) tweeting about me. Speaking of Twitter, if you want to know when I’ve updated, I do send out a tweet after each post, so feel free to follow me.

Now to my business plans. I’ve yet to order business cards, and as nobody has yet taken me up on my million dollar offer, I couldn’t afford a new suit, but I have made progress. I’m working on social networking at the moment through Twitter and FetLife (which is the JerkFace equivalent for the kink community), as well as at local events. I’ve designed contracts and waivers for professional play, and the next step will be to design a questionnaire for potential clients to fill out so that I may better serve their individual needs.

That’s all for this month.

Thanks for reading,

-Step.

"Help"

Time and again, in slightly dated media, you hear someone say “you need help, like, seriously” or something to that effect. This is usually said in the context of an insult to imply that the person in question is crazy. Thankfully, I haven’t seen this in more recent media, though I haven’t really been looking either.

The stigma surrounding mental illness and the brain is slowly changing, but most people still seem to take the line that seeing someone for mental or emotional problems means that you're crazy. Forgetting that crazy isn't a technical term, the idea of applying it to anyone in a serious context is dangerous. For one thing, if they really are unbalanced, pointing it out is a foolish thing to do, and if they are just a little bit off kilter, then we as fellow human beings ought to be helping them find stable footing, not sending them spinning out.

I think everyone knows that “help” means psychotherapy. Seeing a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or other form of therapist is a healthy step in personal problem solving. I recommend that anyone who is having trouble in their personal lives consider seeing a therapist of some description. They are there to help. Personally, I find that Psychologists go about things in a much more constructive manner. Psychiatrists are great for dealing with the chemical side of things, but in my opinion, looking at behaviour, living conditions, and attitude is a much better place to start, and that’s what a Psychologist will do.

In the vein of “practice what you preach”, I’ll mention that I’ve been to a Psychologist at times in my life. As a child I had anger issues, and the anger management training helped me to attain control over not only my emotions, but my A.D.D. as well. When my wife and I were having trouble, we went to a marriage counsellor. Ultimately,in our case, the best thing was for us to go our separate ways, but seeing the counsellor allowed us to recognize that, and gave us the push we needed to live our own lives. After we split, I still needed some help dealing with my fears and anxieties, so I continued to see him for a bit. It helped a great deal.

The first step in solving any problem is admitting that it exists. Everyone, at some point, will go through something which they don’t know how to deal with. Admitting we have a problem is hard enough. Admitting that we can’t work through it on our own is even worse.

Most of us have no problem with admitting that we’re only human. We may be able to admit that we’re not strong enough to pull a bus, or light enough to float on air. It’s quite different when we find ourselves failing at things at which we see other people all around us succeeding. At this point, some of us think “It would be better to try and fail on my own, rather than ask for help”, and thus the cycle begins.

Some of you may be feeling quite uncomfortable by this point. It’s an uncomfortable subject, but an important one. We need to be able to discuss anxiety, depression, and the like just as we would a broken leg or arthritis.

Arthritis may be a lifelong condition which will mean changes to your way of living, but a broken leg can be set right and healed, almost better than new. Depression and anxiety, likewise, may be chronic, but they may also be caused by something immediate, and they may be able to be worked through with only two or three visits to the right Psychologist. You can think of a Psychologist as a Nutritionist for the brain. In the same way that a Nutritionist can see eating habits and suggest minor alterations to promote better bodily health, a Psychologist can find out what triggers a cycle of depression or anxiety and teach you ways of avoiding or defeating it. What a Psychologist is really there to do is to give you the tools you need to solve your problems, and the guidance to use those tools effectively.

I should mention that Psychologists are people too, with opinions, habits, and flaws, unique to each one. Remember, they’re working for you. They’re there to help you. That’s what you pay them for, so treat it like a job interview. Find the right fit for you, your problems, your personality, your lifestyle. I didn’t like the first Psychologist that I went to see. We didn’t get along and, to be honest, he seemed shocked when I mentioned BDSM. That wasn’t helpful, so I tried another and got much better results. If you feel like you’re being judged, go see someone else. It’s not their place to judge you, only to teach you what they know, to give you the tools you need to unravel your own knots.

Fear of being judged is a big part of the reason people avoid talking about their problems. There’s also the problem that many people who know they should talk to someone find themselves unable to do so. Anxiety and depression are like a big dark pit, and once they’ve slipped into it, finding the will to climb out is hard. The difficulty is that there’s no telling how deep the pit is, and the longer they wait to try to climb out, the harder it can get. It may only be a foot deep, or it may be bottomless.

So, next time you find a person on the edge of a precipice, don’t give them a shove to send them over the edge. Instead, throw them a rope. Let them know that it’s okay, that everyone goes through things they can’t handle by themselves, and that there are these places, with nice comfy couches, that they can go to find assistance. Maybe they’ll return the favour some day.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

P.S. Listen to The Beatles - Help! after reading this. It'll brighten or darken your day accordingly. Oh, and you're welcome for getting it stuck in your head. =)

Furnal Equinox: A Conventional Experience

I've done one furry post already. I figured another was in order, and right after a convention seems the perfect time.

Furnal Equinox was held in Toronto, Ontario this past weekend. This is one of the many, many, many cons of this sort. Furries are all over the place. You may know one and not even realize it. You may be one and not even realize it. At any rate, I’m going to try to describe the experience of going to a furry convention.

If you've been to a nerd con before, the layout may look familiar. Most of these cons have the same set pieces (a dealer’s room, video game room, traditional game room, panels, etc.) with different window dressing (In this case, fursuits). There were foxes, cats, bovines and dogs. There were scalies, and featheries, and even a moth. Fursuits were everywhere, and the dealer’s room sold everything from fantastic nerd jewelery, to ears and tails, and back through leather armor and boffer weapons.

The panels were on things like “What does it mean to you to be a Cat?” and “How to draw human to animal transformations”, as well as the usual art, podcasting, and writing panels. There was a Rock Band tournament, and a Munchkin tournament, and people just hanging out and chatting with others who are interested in the same things as they are.

I, for my part, took advantage of everything. I went to the panels, I cruised the dealer’s room, I played Rock Band for the first time for more than two minutes, I flirted with cute catgirls and bunnyboys, and I had a good time in general.

Now, someone out there is probably wondering if I have a suit. I haven’t described my Fursona to anyone, and I don’t even have any art of him specifically, so I think I’ll hold off on that topic for another post.

Anyway, the convention ran from Friday through Sunday. My group got there Friday morning. We’d pre-registered, so all we had to do was pick up our badges. Con badges are important. They let the staff know you’ve paid for your admittance, and what level of access you should have. Our room was on the main floor, which is convenient, since the elevators at these things tend to get clogged by quickly overheating fursuiters who are desperate to make it back to their rooms to cool off. We unloaded, and were instantly out the door. First stop, the dealers room. Several of my friends had tables, and were selling their arts and crafts. There was hugging, laughing, and the obligatory bid for my money. I managed to hold onto my money, no matter how I was tempted by the pretty wares. I did end up buying one thing. “Something Stupid”, which was drawn for me by the fantastic KV1NN4. I may add the picture to this post later, once I’ve obtained permission from the artist. After the dealer’s room, we checked out the videogame room, with the aforementioned Rock Band, and rocked out until it was time for tea.

At the tea social, we got to sit and chat with several new people, most of whom I’m sure I’ll see again and remember at another con. Conventions are a great place to network. Next time I’m going to have business cards printed before I go.

Following directly on the heels of the tea social was a poutine party which was being hosted by a group of furries from Montreal.

The poutine served as both lunch and dinner for me, and after dropping back at the room to change, I went back out to explore the convention's nightlife. There was a black light rave which didn’t really hold any interest for me, but I managed to fall in with a group playing card games and passed the night that way. It would have been 1am by the time I was escorting one of the girls back to her room... where I left her in order to return to my own. A boy needs what sleep he can get if he’s going to enjoy the con!

Saturday came too early, and after scrambling to get up and showered, find some cheap breakfast at Perkins (when you order coffee, they leave the pot!), and hit our panel on podcasting. There were only four people there, but it was still a good conversation. Following that was another trip to the dealer’s room while waiting for our writing panel. The writing panel was good, with about twenty people, and I put my name on a list for a writer’s group. There were a bunch of amateur writers who all want help with their stuff, and trading critiques is a great way to do it, so we’ll see if that goes anywhere. More Rock Band and more looking around before the fur parade. This was really an event. Most of the fursuiters (all those who wanted to be in the parade), gathered for a photo, and then they formed up and marched through the convention, showing off their creations. I had a perfect spot at the end of a hall to see them all marching toward me, perfectly lit by the large open windows behind me, and then turn into the dealer’s room. After that it was more of the same, and if you haven’t been to a comic, gaming, or sci-fi con, you probably wouldn’t see the appeal, but I found it well worth the ticket.

By Sunday morning, you get pretty worn out from overstimulation and lack of sleep. At the same time, you don’t want to miss out on any of the awesome, so you try to cram as much of that in before heading home as you can. There was another writing panel and a nap, and once the dealer’s room closed for the day, we decided to head home. There were going to be events running all evening, but I needed to work in the morning, and by that point, wanted to be home.

The day after the con is always hard. Ordinary life creeps up on you and being back at work can just be drudgery. It didn’t help that we lost an hour over the weekend (one less hour to not sleep!), but coming from the fantastic world of fursuits and fun to the everyday is somewhat jarring. It feels like I have to put a little bit more of me back in the box and tuck it in a corner until next time, or at the very least, until the next full moon.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

Submission and Self Improvement

I want to take a few moments this morning to explain something about BDSM which may not be clear from the way it’s been portrayed by the media, the internet, or even by me up to this point.

I’ve mentioned that Domination and Submission isn’t necessarily all about sex, and most people who aren’t intimately familiar with the practices probably didn’t believe me. After all, isn’t giving a spanking arousing? Isn’t blindfolding and binding your lover at the wrists a possible precursor to sex? The problem with those statements is their context. Of course blindfolding your lover is sexy. That’s the point, but it doesn’t follow that a prisoner who is being blindfolded feels the same way, nor does a child being put over a parent’s knee.

This post is going to be dedicated to those individuals who, though not themselves Masochists, would still come to a Dominant to be bound and spanked. There are reasons a person might do this aside from sexual gratification. Some people do it to free themselves from guilt for something for which they cannot forgive themselves. I have known people who, forgiven by those they have wronged, could not forgive themselves. That sort of guilt can fester and cause serious harm to a life. It’s true that there are other ways to help a person to overcome guilt and forgive themselves, but these can be costly and time consuming. The time that it takes to forgive yourself is not something that everyone can afford, nor can everyone accomplish this even with help from a Psychologist or Priest. Sometimes the best way to overcome guilt is to confess your actions and then be punished. The world says to these people “You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about”, and they might hear “There must be something wrong with you for feeling that way”. Coming to a professional to be punished for their wrongdoing can be that crucial step in moving on. They may have been punishing themselves for years over something as simple as the loss of a possession, the dissolution of a relationship, or even just a little white lie. Being recognized as guilty and punished by an outside authority, accepting their guilt and finding absolution through corporal mortification can be just the thing to free them from soul crushing remorse.

Another type of person may view a professional Dominant as something like a Personal Trainer. We can help people to stay on track in ways that ordinary Coaches can’t. By giving the Dominant the ability to inflict pain, there is something tangible to be gained (or rather, avoided) by staying on the wagon. Substance abuse, including alcoholism and tobacco consumption, and in some cases overeating, can be treated by weekly conversations followed by harsh and swift discipline.

Why would a person not just lie to avoid the spanking? A person might, but that would be a pretty silly waste of money. Also, it’s part of the Dominant’s job to be able to read people and tell how they are feeling. A person who lies to avoid punishment is usually nervous, and a good Dom will be able to pick up on this. Lieing to a Dom in a good way to get added punishments, which is usually best to be avoided.

Business relationships such as I’ve just described should ALWAYS be worked out in detail ahead of time and put in writing. A client who comes to a Dom for a specific purpose like that is not considered a submissive, and all parameters of the relationship must be understood before training or punishment can begin. Remember that a Dom has only as much power as the client gives them. A client, just as a submissive, cannot be forced to accept punishment, but if they don’t, then the Dominant may very well end the business relationship and stop wasting their valuable time on someone who doesn’t wish to accept their services.

A caning, even to most Masochists, is not a pleasant thing to undergo. We’re not talking about light teasing impacts here, but something you might imagine in a headmaster’s study. These paddlings or canings can be done over clothing or on the bare, and may leave marks which last for days to weeks. Leading up to this type of spanking there is fear, during the process there is pain in no small degree, and afterward there is discomfort, but there is also a great sense of relief. Done properly, a good hard spanking can absolve a person of past failures, and the following encouragement can truly help the client wish to succeed in future. Not only so that next week or next month the client can avoid the unpleasant experience, but also that he or she may succeed in reaching their own goals. After all, that is the primary reason these clients had sought out the Dom.

If you’re interested in more information on anything I’ve written, please don’t hesitate to email me at blog.nextstep@gmail.com, and if you have anything to say please comment!

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

End of the Month Update: February

It's that time again. February has really flown by, as it usually does. I like February, generally. I like it even better when it starts on a Sunday. Having a calendar which is exactly four weeks long appeals to my sense of order. I'll have to remember to call back to this post in 2015.

Anyway, time for the update. I'm still hovering around 300 lbs, but I think I'm gaining muscle, so I'm alright with that for now. My shirts are all too big in the neck and chest. I won't complain about that yet, but it is slightly irritating. I guess I'll just have to get some clients so I can afford to update my wardrobe.

My house has fallen back, somewhat, into a state of chaos. It's difficult to keep it clean and tidy with four people living here, but that's more an excuse than anything else. The real problem is me. I need to buckle down and plow through the things which I've been avoiding. We'll leave that one for now.

On to my skills. I have been doing a good amount of research (a cop out), and just last night I went out by myself to work on my communication skills. I had intended to speak to strangers, hold their attention, and potentially flirt. For those of you paying attention, you may have noticed a flaw in my clever plan. There is absolutely nothing to do in London on a Sunday night. This city is dead. I ended up walking around down town in my suit and having a quick pint in one or another of the English style pubs. It was fun, but relatively unhelpful. I did get some writing done, and that should help with the future of my next goal.

The blog has been kept up to date I'm even starting to get a few steady readers (yaay). If this continues, I may even  get a few comments sooner or later! (hint hint.) Now that I have a steady posting schedule, it's time to work on content quality. To be completely honest, my last four have been more or less slapped together. I'm going to try to do better than that and leave ample time for editing and completeness.

My business plans are progressing on schedule. I think it's time to look into business cards, and possibly a new suit. We'll see what next month brings.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

P.S. If anyone out there has, like, a million dollars that they're not using, you could just toss that my way. I'd be okay with that. Also, I'd be willing to offer that person free weekly sessions for life. Just saying.

L.A.R.P.

Warning: This post is about LARP. If you aren’t interested in gaming, theatre, or fantasy, feel free to pass this one by, though if that is the case, I think you ought to lighten up. =)

LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing, and is distinguished from tabletop roleplaying, such as Dungeons and Dragons. With tabletop, you are sitting around a table talking about what your characters are doing, whereas with Larp, you actually do what your character would be doing. You dress up in costume, you put on a character, and you act. Think of it like improvisational theatre, except generally the audience consists of the players themselves.

So, why do it if there’s no one watching? Because some of us like to pretend. Some of us like to throw ourselves into a character and be James Bond, or King Arthur, or a Homeless Drifter for the night, and then return safely to our real lives once we’re finished.

There are many systems in place for adding rules for combat in which no one is actually hurt, and for affecting the world around you without having to inconvenience anyone who is not part of the game. The system with which I am most familiar is Vampire: The Masquerade, which as you can probably guess from the title, is about vampires.

This is one game in what makes up the “World of Darkness” (now known as the old world or “classic” world of darkness, as they’ve released a newer system). The world of darkness is interesting in that, in theory, all of the different games (Vampire: The Masquerade, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Mage: The Ascension, etc.) can work together to create this “world of darkness”, inhabited by mages, werewolves, mummies, wraithes, vampires, and even regular old human beings, some of whom have taken it upon themselves to hunt the things that go bump in the night.

In reality, the different systems don’t fit together as nicely as one would think (a flaw which you find in most systems which are released in a modular fashion), and so it’s usually better to stick to one type of critter. In case of the Masquerade that’s vampires.

Unfortunately, the majority of players who seem to be drawn to this particular game are those self involved, power hungry malcontents who are not the type of people you would want for a social game.These are people with the mentality of “My character could beat up your character” or “My character thinks she’s too good to talk to you”. Filling a room with such people, who are only really there to groom their egos, does not make for a very interesting game, as interactions end up limited to only those between preexisting, out of game cliques.There is an aspect of these games which is meant to be co-operative. It is difficult to foster that specific brand of camaraderie in a group dominated by these personality types. Because of this pattern, over the years I’ve encountered disappointment after disappointment from a system which, in general, would be fun to play if not for the unfortunate leanings of the typical player. The last time a game I was a part of imploded due to player drama, I said "Never again!". I decided I was done with it. Then, a few months later, the following conversation took place.

“So ***** is running an old world game” says my friend.
“Oh yeah?” I said with a lack of real interest or enthusiasm.
“Yeah, it’s a troupe game”
“Oh?” I’d perked up at this point, for reasons I won’t explain here.
“Yeah, and it’s invitation only”

This idea caught my attention. I am generally someone who promotes the concept of inclusivity, but in the instance of these games, it was only exacerbating the problem. By allowing anyone to play, you were opening the doors to Drama. By making the game invitation only, it allows the Storytellers (the people who direct the overall plot of the game and settle character or player disputes) to shape their character base, and hopefully cull any of the painful drama which so often accompanies this type of game.

I met with *****, and he explained all the safeguards which he’s put in place against drama and power gaming, and I agreed to join with the hope I would finally get the LARP experience I’m looking for. I’ve yet to attend a game, but I’ve decided to give it three months (one session a month), and see how it goes. If I find the same old drama, so be it, I’ll just walk away.

Either way I’ll probably revisit this topic in another post, so in the meantime wish me luck.

Thanks for reading,


-Step.

Hearts and Flowers

Saint Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and orders for chocolates and flowers (usually roses) will be higher on that day than on any other during the year except one (Mother’s Day). Very little is known about the real St. Valentine. In fact there were more than one Saints who carried that name, but the one who died on February the 14th had something to do with “courtly love”.

I didn’t really do my research on this guy, this is just what I’ve picked up in passing and from Catholic friends.

Saint Valentine’s Day is no longer recognized by the Roman Catholic Church, but try telling that to the rest of the world! The corporate machine which drives the sales of cards, flowers, chocolates, clovers and blue moons, would be very put out if they were suddenly without this scapegoat.

Now someone out there (probably a woman) is going to tell me that I don’t understand because I’m a man, and men don’t care about such things (insinuating that we should). I have this rebuttal.

I’ve bought flowers for every woman with whom I’ve had a long term relationship, and they’ve given me that satisfying girly blush and giggle, but if there’s been a note along with the flowers, a note telling them that I love and cherish them, that they brighten my day, that they make me want to make poetry and sing and sweep them off their feet, that’s when I see real emotion.

It’s not the flowers or the chocolates that makes the difference. It’s the thought. The thought really does count as much as the follow through. They are equal participants. Now, what I see happening with things like anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentines day, is that they remove thought from the equation. These dates tell a body “By golly! You need to go get your sweetheart flowers to show that you care!” and because you do care, and you don’t want your sweetheart to be upset, you go and buy the flowers, but there was no thoughtfulness, only follow through.

I’m not saying that having a day or three on the calendar to remind you to pay attention to your significant other is a bad thing, what I’m saying is Don’t Wait!

Today is February the 11th, and for me and my pet, this is Hearts and Flowers day. We didn’t choose a special day to substitute for Valentine’s, we just chose a random day off because there was a sappy movie coming out. We’re taking the day to spend together, the rest of the world be damned. We’re going to do all that sappy romantic stuff that people usually reserve for Valentine’s. Why wait until a special occasion when you can make one, and how is it special if everyone is doing the same thing?

Here’s a tip. Some random day when you’re at work and you think of your sweetie and it makes you smile, make a point of stopping on the way home and buying flowers, or better yet, a box of their favourite tea, or a book in a series they love. Don’t wait for a birthday, a graduation, Valentine’s day, or Christmas to show the people that matter to you that you love them. Show that you care when you feel it, when you are inspired. Make a habit of it, and that inspiration will come so much more easily the next time, and you’ll both be happier!

Thanks for reading,


-Step.