Well,
it finally happened. I failed. For two weeks, I have failed to update
on Monday. I guess that means I should stop trying and throw in the
towel altogether, right?
Failure
is a hard thing to deal with, but much harder is picking up and
carrying on when you’ve become discouraged. Even something which may
seem small to others may have great psychological effects if you let it,
and the longer you put it off or avoid it, the worse your
discouragement can become. I’ve waited two weeks, and I’m using my
monthly update as a jumping off point to carry on.
I
could (and will) give you the reasons I found it difficult to update,
but if I’d really put my mind and heart into it, I’d have been able to,
no matter the opposition. The failure was mine, no excuses.
Now, on to my successes!
I’ve
still been slacking on Fitocracy, so if anyone out there wants to
motivate me, feel free to give me a poke. I am doing well with my weight
however. Even after two weekends of bad food, my weight is back down to
295, and I’m hoping to keep on top of that. The fact that I have been
ill over the past week probably had something to do with my weight loss,
but I’ll get into that later.
My
house is reasonably clean, but in need of work. I’m having my Kitten
put together and prioritize a list of home improvements. I have my own
list of course, but most of what I want to do requires money which I
don’t have at the moment.
Business
is looking both more and less feasible. Everything I learn leads me to
three more things I need to work toward, and I’m not moving nearly fast
enough. I’ve got someone who’s willing to teach me about fire, and
that’s exciting. I watched a demonstration with flash cotton which was
absolutely stunning. The thing which I need to spend time on at the
moment, however, is attitude. I’ve been far too soft on my Kitten, and
she’s begun telling me so. I need to work her harder and I have a few
ideas of how to accomplish this. Wish me (and her) luck ;)
So
that’s my health, my blog, my home, and my business and skills all
dealt with tidily. Now I’d like to add a little more information about
what’s been going on over the past three weeks.
After
my post about birthdays, I got extremely busy. I’ve been letting my
responsibilities slide over the last couple of months, due to depression
and anxiety. This all came to a head this month as I’ve got to file my
taxes. My built up anxiety was still there, however, and it started to
direct itself toward my blog. I couldn’t face the prospect of writing
for an audience, and I choked. I know it probably seems silly to a
non-writer (writers may have a bit more sympathy), but the idea of
someone else reading something you’ve written can be a scarey thing on a
good day, nevermind when you’re already anxious.
Anyway,
I skipped a blog post, felt terrible, and went on with life. The next
week was fantastic. On Tuesday I went to a friend’s place for dinner,
and then to a Munch, and then to a strip club with a group of sex
positive friends and got treated to lap dances all night. It was a great
experience. After that, I had to pack and prepare for the convention
which another friend had invited me to on the weekend.
UBCon
is held at the University of Buffalo every year and Josie, the creator
of Angelyque Trinkets, had a table in Artist’s Alley this year. She
needed a second person on her table, so she asked me to help out. It was
a fantastic experience and I’ll likely be doing it again sometime soon.
I would like to think that I helped her sales (which were record
breaking!) with my friendly and competent demeanor, and I’ve been told
since that I make good eye candy, which I suppose means I’m going to
have to believe people who tell me I’m attractive, despite my own
opinions on the matter.
Upon
returning home of course, I was afflicted with Con Crud, and had to
spend some time recuperating in bed. I used that as an excuse to further
put off updating my blog, and the guilt started to return. This, added
to the fact that the boss was away at my day job and I was primarily in
charge, and my Kitten was out of town on her own adventures, all added
up to make me a tightly coiled ball of stress. I managed to level out
near the end of the week, however, and was quite affable by the time my
dad came to stay this past weekend.
I
don’t get to see my Dad very often, and neither of us are much for the
telephone, so having him come and stay was a rare treat. We went for a
long walk, spent some time in the garden, got creative in the kitchen,
and shared a few pints.
Three
fantastic experiences. The Tuesday outing, the convention, and my
father coming to visit. Even with the stress and the sick in the middle
I’m feeling much better and, what’s more, rested.
I’ve
been looking back over the blog, and recognize something I’ve been
avoiding for some time. I started this thing to spark conversation, to
voice the unpopular opinion, and, in my own small way, to change the
world. I’m not going to accomplish that if I keep shying away from the
posts I want to write for fear of what people may think. It’s
inexcusable that I’ve gone this long without speaking on the topics of
Feminism, Pornography, Marriage, Mass Media, Global American Influence,
Internet Stupidity, Intellectual Property, and the like. I’ve got strong
opinions, and I’m going to have to start voicing them if I want this to
go anywhere. Look forward to it! ;)
Thanks for reading,
-Step.
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