We’ve divided up most of the properties, and I think it’s worked out favourably for both of us. I just wish it hadn’t taken quite so long as it did. These last few months have been slow torture, and it’s hurt the memory of what we once had. That’s what’s upset me most. I knew that she would hate me for a while, and because I was too wounded to let it show, she was scared that I felt nothing at all about us ending things.
I’m aware that her parents hate me. That bothers me only because I know they can be smarter than that. I know that my mother is ashamed of what I’ve done. She simply doesn’t understand my motivations. It’s a little harder to hear my friends, some of them, say that this is harder on her than it is on me, since I have the house and get to move on with my life, and she has nothing. What they don’t understand is that she too, gets to move on with her life. The house, which I hope to keep, is a serious financial burden, and until I get my business going, it means I’m stuck in a job which I continue to detest.
She, at least, gets a clean break. I could almost envy her.
These last few months have been hard for another reason. I’ve been stuck in my basement, and not by myself. My “pet” and I have been sharing the space, which has endangered the health, sanity, and strength of our relationship. We’ll survive, but it has been hard. So it will be a mixed blessing to reclaim my bedroom. I will miss my wife dearly, but she’s not the woman I thought she was any more than I am the man she thought I was. We each deceived ourselves, and have no one to blame but ourselves.
The world may think, and she may believe that I hurt her, but she hurt herself, as I, in turn, hurt myself. I don’t blame her for my mistakes.
Moving forward.
My business plans have been stalled through this ordeal, which was partially a conscious decision on my part, and partially an unconscious slip into procrastination. I don’t even have a buffer left for my blog.
No matter, once I get myself settled in, I will have no excuse not to get down to business. I have several things which I need to practice, and several which I need to research. I want to do this properly, and that may mean finding myself someone under whom to apprentice for a while. I’m a decent amateur, but if I intend to do this professionally, I’m not yet good enough.
Ladies, you heard it here. A man is admitting that he is not good enough, and needs improvement. Perhaps some others will take my lead. Perhaps some of you will do the same.
At any rate, I do need practice. I need proper education. The problem is that such things don’t exist. Perhaps one day I will teach a class, but that’s far down the road. First I need to learn.
If anyone knows of an individual who may be open to teaching, I would be very grateful if they would drop me a line at: blog.nextstep@gmail.com.
Thanks for reading,
-Step.
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